My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.