That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.