[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
You Might Also Like
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK