I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”