The most important meal of the day is the next one
You Might Also Like
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
What
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.