My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.