Received some very disappointing news today
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what’s more important?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else