Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
podcasts
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.