Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I don’t get marriage
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
oh my gosh!!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?