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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me trying to walk in a dream
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My current situation
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.