Lucky old June.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*