My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna