*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
FRED: right
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen