Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.