MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.