my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again