watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.