Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Monday Lisa
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.