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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.