Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
This meeting could have been a cake
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?