When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.