Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say