Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.