For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window