My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
You Might Also Like
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Meanwhile in Canada…
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.