Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Easy enough.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)