when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
New tinder profile pic
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?