ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops