Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately