My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Always
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.