I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
yeet
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.