My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts