Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
What my back needs
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Simple