[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Important
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.