Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.