Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Everything reminds me of my ex
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Attacked by a mop.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.