Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
PLEASE READ
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.