[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
my professor scared me for a second
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
(yawn)
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.