I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.