I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I’m not lazy
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money