My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.