I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?