Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner