Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.