They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
honestly, i need both:
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?