Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You Might Also Like
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not