[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
this has to be peak English
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
why no one uses midhusbands
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.