Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
You Might Also Like
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.