[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.