Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
You Might Also Like
As the Lord intended
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The devil.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books